Day 25, February 25, 2014

Tomorrow I leave for a three week vacation in the sun.  Sounds great, right?  The thing is, I'm a little nervous about it.  I haven't been away since I made all of the changes...quit smoking, drinking a ton, eating anything and everything.  I have worked exceptionally hard to change my lifestyle...but there is still that little voice occasionally that says "lighten up, have some fun, do what you want...you've earned it".  Have I?  Does all my hard work to change mean I can take a break from it?  Can I take a three week sabbatical from healthy living?  Can I smoke, drink, and eat what I want for three weeks if I promise myself I'll get back on track when I return?...no, I can't.  Simple as that...no.

 This is my pattern.  I start something, go at it full force for a while...then dump it only to return to the very thing I wanted to change.  I've quit smoking before.  Lasted almost four months...got tired of the quit, so I started again.  Lied to myself by saying I could quit again in a couple of weeks...didn't.  This quit, I am nine months in, but I feel weak sometimes.  Especially around the idea of what a vacation has meant to me in the past...self proclaimed hedonist that I am.  I would smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, eat like health doesn't matter, and just generally wear myself out.  Some vacation...but it seemed so great at the time!  Writing this down, and facing it honestly...makes it all seem so stupid.  Why would I abuse myself and call it fun?  Sure I want to relax, have some fun...but it doesn't have to be all or nothing.  I know in my heart of hearts, that I do not want to smoke again, and that smoking does not make me relax, nor is it particularly fun for that matter.  Also, I do not want to experience a hangover ever again...always an ingredient of vacations past.  I'm not very concerned about my diet, I've been eating clean, feeling good...and it's easy to eat well in Mexico.  It's the smoke and drink that are the rub for me.  This will be my Achilles heel.

I'll stay in touch, let you know how it is going...wish me luck!