April 2, 2014

Hellooooo? Anyone out there?  I thought it was about time I come in here and face the music.  I'm back from my three weeks in Mexico... :(.  I mentioned in my last blog, the fears I had going into this vacation...they were founded in reality.  I suck at self control...I really do.  For the first half of my trip, I was eating well and drinking very little...the second half, not so much.  Don Julio and I got back together for a torrid holiday romance...but we have since ended it.  How could we resist one another at 30 pesos a shot??  Honestly though, I wasn't nearly as bad as I have been in the past.  I feel rested and rejuvenated, I only gained 4 lbs, and no sunburn.  I'm disappointed that I slipped up at all, but wtf, I'm only a beautifully flawed human being :). A work in progress....for the rest of eternity.

I met up with my sister the other night and asked her for help in rediscovering my motivation.  She is still going strong...no three weeks of tequila and sun for her.  She told me I needed to listen to the voice inside my head that sabotages me, and believe that I am stronger then it.  I've spent sometime doing just that.  Being unhealthy is simply not an option for me...period.  Whatever it is that I'm dragging around as baggage that sabotages my efforts needs to be hauled out, dealt with, and shut down....great, more work to do.

Long and short of it...I'm back on a juice cleanse.  Today is the end of day one.  No headache, no discomfort, no problems...I have been staying away from dairy, and have allowed myself only one cup of black coffee a day since February, so I guess I'm luckily not going to suffer caffeine withdrawal.  Spring seems like such a good time to do this...much better then January!  I'm heading to my sisters for the weekend...we are going to juice together, and I will renew my intention...with her help of course.

Good bye old friend :(

Good bye new friend :(

Day 25, February 25, 2014

Tomorrow I leave for a three week vacation in the sun.  Sounds great, right?  The thing is, I'm a little nervous about it.  I haven't been away since I made all of the changes...quit smoking, drinking a ton, eating anything and everything.  I have worked exceptionally hard to change my lifestyle...but there is still that little voice occasionally that says "lighten up, have some fun, do what you want...you've earned it".  Have I?  Does all my hard work to change mean I can take a break from it?  Can I take a three week sabbatical from healthy living?  Can I smoke, drink, and eat what I want for three weeks if I promise myself I'll get back on track when I return?...no, I can't.  Simple as that...no.

 This is my pattern.  I start something, go at it full force for a while...then dump it only to return to the very thing I wanted to change.  I've quit smoking before.  Lasted almost four months...got tired of the quit, so I started again.  Lied to myself by saying I could quit again in a couple of weeks...didn't.  This quit, I am nine months in, but I feel weak sometimes.  Especially around the idea of what a vacation has meant to me in the past...self proclaimed hedonist that I am.  I would smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, eat like health doesn't matter, and just generally wear myself out.  Some vacation...but it seemed so great at the time!  Writing this down, and facing it honestly...makes it all seem so stupid.  Why would I abuse myself and call it fun?  Sure I want to relax, have some fun...but it doesn't have to be all or nothing.  I know in my heart of hearts, that I do not want to smoke again, and that smoking does not make me relax, nor is it particularly fun for that matter.  Also, I do not want to experience a hangover ever again...always an ingredient of vacations past.  I'm not very concerned about my diet, I've been eating clean, feeling good...and it's easy to eat well in Mexico.  It's the smoke and drink that are the rub for me.  This will be my Achilles heel.

I'll stay in touch, let you know how it is going...wish me luck!

Day 18 February 18, 2014

Today is day 18 of 'Eating in the Raw...but not anymore'.
I have just returned from four days in Vermont...worlds easiest place to be vegan!  I however, am no longer Vegan...that's right, meat has crossed my lips...a collective cry from Vegans everywhere hoping they had a convert among them.  I am sorry to disappoint.  I used it as a condiment to my main meal of the day...it was not the featured item...I did not inhale.

 I was dinning in the home of relatives, and I had not informed them of my dietary situation...so, one
thing lead to another, and there I was eating meat...and it was really good.  I'm not sure how I feel about eating meat, I don't plan to consume it like I did in the past, but I'm still figuring it out.  I will strongly remain free of the Bovine Breast Milk though.  I feel clearer and just generally better staying off dairy.

Finding what is Right for me is my primary focus on this journey.  What is right for one does not mean it is right for all.  I need to be responsible for my health and how I feel, both physically and emotionally.  My goal is less about meat or no meat, it is about how food makes me feel.  Is it nourishing me, giving me strength, energy, and satisfaction.  I want to eat a mostly plant based diet, not because of ethical reasons, but because I feel better when eating that way.  So perhaps I am a failed Vegan or Vegetarian, but I will continue to live like one for the most part even if I no longer qualify to use the title.

Diet is not the only factor in my health that needs my attention.  Taking care of ones body requires more then food alone.  It requires a mind/body connection.  We all have ways of meeting this need, I personally am very fortunate to know some incredible people that help me with this.  A dear friend/healer drove 3.5 hours to visit me in Vermont to do Reiki with me.  I am a student of hers, and have completed the the first level of Reiki training, and I am working on the second level.  This wonderful woman traveled all that way at exactly the time I needed her help the most.  Energy sharing is nothing less then magical.  I am left feeling renewed, realigned, focused and awash in positive energy.

This lovely person (Lucia Camara), had offered to come here to Niagara to teach a level one Reiki course last fall.  Unfortunately, this was when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer...which put a hold on everything for a while.  When visiting with her this weekend, she offered to come here again.  It would be my pleasure to host her here.  If anyone is interested in this, please leave me a message.  I'm thinking the end of March or early April if we can find a date that works.  There will only be 10 spaces available (5 people on one day, 5 people on the next day).  The course is 6 to 8 hours long, and the primary focus is on self care (who doesn't need some of that?).  The cost is very reasonable, I will provide more details to those interested.

This method of energy care and healing has become a valuable form of self care for me and my family.  I recommend it to anyone...I was the Biggest sceptic at the start...but not anymore!

Day 12 February 12, 2014

Today is day 12 of 'Eating in the Raw...or not'.
I have thrown in the towel...I have given up on my 'raw only' way of eating.  I am just too dam cold.  I have given it my best for 10 days, but enough is enough.  When a juice cleanse seems more appealing then eating raw...it is time to reassess.  I have been cold the whole time I've been eating this way.  Adding spicy peppers has not helped.  I am convinced that it is the time of year that is making this impossibly difficult for me.  In the spring and summer...no problem.

Last night is when I finally gave in.  I was wearing two sweaters and boots as I went to prepare dinner.  Trying to figure out what to eat that was cold of at best room temperature had become a chore.  I cut up some beets, carrots, onions, garlic sprinkled with a little olive oil, and fired them into the oven.  I then made brown rice and green lentils, and a version of a dragon sauce.  I put everything into a bowl, poured the sauce over and tucked in.  It was the best thing I have ever eaten in my life!!  Or a least it seemed that way at the time.  My sons ate the same thing, and loved it.  One meal...for all of us...what a treat!

So here is the new and improved plan...vegan, yes...raw vegan...not all the time.  Listening to my body, and what it needs, has always been a challenge for me.  I become so strict with myself that I become deaf to my needs.  Or I just blindly and mindlessly eat whatever is available.  I finally heard my body asking for warmth...it was the right thing to do for me.  I am allowing flexibility as well as sensibility to direct me.  No hard and fast rules...just a conscious attitude.

For me, food needs to be a pleasure and a gift.  It cannot be attached to restriction or severely defined rules.  That was fine during the juice cleanse...the cleanse was not a way of life...it was a temporary measure, used to heal me...which I believe it did.  Now the real world way of eating is where I must find my feet.  Yes, I want to experience a lot of raw, but I also want to experience comfort, warmth and gratitude for what I eat.  My search for balance begins...

THE ABUNDANCE BOWL

Day 9 February 9, 2014

Today is day 9 of 'Eating in the Raw'.
Things are much simpler now.  I've really got the hang of this Raw Food thing.  I basically just say no to everything good...just kidding.  I have come up with some really great dishes that are easy to make and very tasty.

Today I participated I a flea market at Niagara Kayak Rentals space.  I provided fresh juice and vegan raw sushi.  There were several food vendors, all providing something unique and delicious.  As well as jewelry, art work, and tarot card readings.  It was a fantastic way to spend a snowy cold Niagara day.  I have to admit though, the smells of simmering soup...dripping grilled cheese...and gelato panini almost put me over the edge.  I was able to keep it together thanks to the lovely Vegan vendor next to me.  I am amazed at the variety of products she makes that are 100% vegan...there really are options out there!  Check out 'Health Nut' next time you're at the St Catherine's farmers market.

One other thing I wanted to mention is how the weight loss has been going...it's not!  Since I started to eat again, I have gained a couple pounds.  To be expected I suppose, but I am hopeful that eventually my body will adjust and begin to release the excess weight again.  If not...it is what it is :)

Day 6 February 6, 2014

Today is day 6 of 'Eating in the Raw'.
Not quite a week in, and I'm finally finding my way.  I have been a little overwhelmed with this Raw Food concept.  All the prep involved...etc.  what I've discovered is...stop trying to make everything look like it has been prepared by a food stylist!.  Raw food tastes great just thrown together too.  My family is willing to eat what I put in front of them for the most part...stop trying to entice them with my artistic flare.  Besides, I'm soooo over my artistic flare...I'm hungry!.

I have a bit of a routine now.  Green juice and fruit in the morning, smoothie mid morning, juice and some kind of salad thing for lunch, smoothie mid afternoon, and then the big finish with something pretty and delicious for dinner.  I save my 'food stylist' creations for dinner only now...and it's fun, not overwhelming.

I'm still finding my way with what I need to eat.  Combinations, quantities, oils, protein, veg to fruit ratio...I'm getting there.  My body has rebelled a bit since the juice cleanse...I don't have to say it...you know what I mean.  I think I was just trying to hard to get everything in that I thought I needed.  Well, most of it didn't stay...so I've backed off on thinking too much.  My husband is most great full...had an extremely 'windy' night last night.

I have a lot to fix when it comes to my gut.  You may remember me mentioning that I have been on stomach meds for years.  I've since learned how bad they are.  I have a pretty f'd up digestive system, but I've learned that I can repair it, and repair comes in the form of fermented foods.  Other then wine or vodka or tequila or gin....I digress, I have no experience with fermented foods.  Well, you should see the shit on my kitchen counter now!  I have made saurekraut, Kim Chee (didn't even know what that was 4 days ago), and rejuvelac (for making nut cheese...hee hee).  I'm reading everything I can get my hands on about fermented food.  Not only because of the health benefits, but it tastes great.  My experiments with cheese are about to go full on now that I have some rejuvelac...my family...bunch of sceptics, don't believe I can make something that will taste like cheese...we'll see.

So, as you can see, I'm adapting.  It takes time to change, and then more time to adjust to the change. I'm trying to be patient, and learn as I go.  In the meantime, when I'm starving, just love me a smoothie :)

Day 4 February 4, 2014

Today is day 4 of 'Eating in the Raw.
This has been a better day.  I've spent a lot of time thinking and journaling about my situation, or rather, relationship with food.  A few things I know for sure: my food issues are not about food.  They are a representation of a deeper and more important dimension of myself.  They represent a message to me that I just haven't been able to hear as of yet.  My work is to listen, and discover the message behind the behaviour.  What is it that I block out, what message can I not hear when I disconnect, and eat unconsciously?.  This is what I will spend this time uncovering.  My relationship with food can teach me about my relationship with life.  In fact, it is less about the food, and more about the me (my self image, my weight, how I handle stress...etc).  Food is just the vehicle that drives me from these issues.  My weight going up and down, my seeing myself in a negative way because of my size, are red flags trying to get me to pay attention.  What are these red flags trying to teach me?  Here is my work...

Side Bar:  I'm frickin in love with hemp hearts!!!