Here it is three days back from my cleanse with a not so happy realization. I have discovered that I still have the same issues with food that I had before I took control of my health...fear. Cleansing gave me clarity of thought because I was distanced from food. I was able to think and plan easily because I was not having to deal with my food issues. Well 'they're back!'...I find myself thinking about food all the time. What, when, where, how much should I eat...it's exhausting. I fear slipping back into my old destructive eating patterns. You know...just a bite won't hurt. But for me, it does. It sends me down a path of destructive behaviour. Losing myself in food allows me to lose myself in other ways...I am less connected to myself when I'm abusing food. When I'm consciously eating, I'm so very present in my life. So that thing that allows me to 'slip away' is where the issue with food lies. Food is my coping mechanism when I'm stressed, tired, bored or angry. It is my drug of choice. I know this...it is not new to me...but I allow myself to do it anyway. Sometimes, it's just the easy way out in the short term.
I know I have work to do. My health depends on it. Food and I need to learn to get along...this love hate relationship is getting us no where. It's not like we can break up, we are stuck with each other and must find balance. I don't want to spend my life worrying about weight and health, I just want them both to be resolved. I think thirty years of worrying about this shit is long enough.
What is it they say? Eat to live, don't live to eat...that for me is a total mind f..k. I love food, I takes up a huge amount of my daydreaming...it is my creative outlet. I just need to learn to be creative with the healthy aspects of it (even if I find them boring at times).
THE ARTIST'S PALLET
Get out your paints for your other creative outlet! Stay the course, you are doing incredibly well. Maybe write a new raw (cook)book. :)
ReplyDeleteGood idea, thanks :)
DeleteI agree with Tara, stay the course. You are an extremely creative woman - there has to be another 'channel' for it. When you find it, let me know - I could use a new channel as well.
ReplyDeleteThanks Rhonda, will do.
DeleteAddiction is addiction. I understand completely. Check this out: http://www.theguardian.com/culture/2013/mar/09/russell-brand-life-without-drugs. Great quote: "Drugs and alcohol are not my problem, reality is my problem, drugs and alcohol are my solution." Substitute 'food' for 'drugs and alcohol' and you're good to go, m'dear. So find some support, and stay the course! You are an inspiration. xo
ReplyDeleteJust love RB, shockingly smart! My work for this part of my journey begins. Thanks for the kind words :)
DeleteI guess now the other hard work begins. The work of detoxing your thinking and trying to be with the boredom, stress, etc. and not stuff it down with food. Remember how bitter some of the juice tasted at first? These disavowed feeling, attitudes, and emotions become more digestible eventually. I am still cleansing - day 34. Your honest blog is preparing me for what is ahead. Thank you for your raw honesty.
ReplyDeleteDetoxifying my thinking...love that!
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